American Devotee

Interview with an American-born devotee
Ganga riverfront, Haridwar

I’m from New York City, I was born there. I had felt very dramatic psychic experiences that made me realize that there’s more to this life than the physical reality. My family was not religious. So I didn’t have any grounding in any [religion]. As a matter of fact, I would call them anti-religious. I didn’t have any background in spirituality at all. The first [psychic experience] I believe, I was riding on a subway train in New York in the afternoon, and I was playing with a little boy. We were drawing pictures in my notebook. And two men came into the subway car with car antennas wrapped in white adhesive tape, and I had a psychic flash that I was going to be mugged. And I saw myself on the floor of the subway car. And I saw them come toward me and start to signal each other. And so, naturally, I saw myself bloody on the floor of the car, and I got very scared. The little boy was to my left and his father was to his left. So I went and sat next to the father, and I said, “I’m very scared, what are they going to do?” He said, “Don’t worry, I’m an off-duty cop. I have a gun.” So he also knew that I was in trouble. And his gun was in his jacket and he started to pull it out and I said, “Don’t shoot.” And they ran out. And I started to think about this, how I was protected in that situation. It was very dramatic for me — that he happened to be an off-duty cop, he had a gun, and was conscious to what was happening in this situation.

Then I had [another] experience. I was getting a massage, and the masseuse worked all over my body to the top of my back, and then I was aware that she held her hands over my back and I felt the pain being drawn without her touching me from my back. She said this is called magnetism, it’s a type of healing. She said I should meditate, because I was seeing colors in the massage while she was massaging me. She said I really should be meditating So I went home and I meditated for the purpose of making a decision. My husband, at the time, my ex-husband, and I were trying to decide whether to move into a particular house. So I meditated to make a decision about whether this would be a good move for us. And I circled and went out of my body, and I went into the house, and in the house I saw my father-in-law’s spirit and I was aware that he was going to pass on soon. But he was not ill. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Then I came out of the meditation, went back in my body and I said to my husband, “your father is going to pass on soon.” And I don’t know why I said that. I was just so sure. And so, we moved into the house, and the first call we got, “Come to California immediately.” He had an aneurism that had burst in his brain. And we had to go immediately, and within about two days he passed on.

So, I became very dramatically aware that there were other realms. That’s how I started. And then, after that, I moved into an apartment building in Manhattan. And in the elevator was a Western lady in a sari. And I looked into her eyes and I knew that she had something that I wanted. I didn’t know what it was. I had read only one book, an Edgar Cayce book. I just knew she had what I wanted. And I spoke to her and got invited to her apartment. It turned out that she had lived 18 years in India, was a master, taught meditation. And I worked with her very intensely for ten years. I knew her for 15 years. My spiritual path necessitated me leaving my whole other life behind — everything. Family, husband, everything. And I had a very dramatic awakening, with seeing things, devotional poetry, great ananda. I couldn’t turn my back on it. So that’s what happened.

My teacher that I had, Hilda Charleton, after 15 years knowing her, I went on my own path. And then she died after five years and now it’s ten years that I’ve been on my own, and I met my guru. I first spoke with him last summer. And then I finally met him in person in the States in October. I came here because he invited me to spend time with him and it’s my greatest desire to be with him and learn from him. Actually, I begged and pleaded and cried, and then one day he said to me over the telephone, “Your room is ready.” He built a room for me in his house. And I said, “Well when can I come?” He said, “Can you come tonight?” He was teasing me, because I always said, ‘just say I can come. I’ll leave everything. I’ll pack tonight.’ He was teasing me. That’s why I had to think very quickly — I couldn’t get ready that night, but it was a lot to do to finish my work and get ready and come.

[On receiving this particular guru] It’s something you feel inside you, it’s not picking. I’ve met many great holy men, certainly realized beings — it’s just that you know your own. I feel we must have been together. It’s just so strong. When I was in the States I was in a desperate economic situation looking for work. And I met someone who said a friend of his had called a swami in India who does a puja who will tell you things. And I called him and he said, “you will find work by a certain date,” which I thought was impossible, because I was interested in college teaching. I thought colleges started after Labor Day, which they used to, but that’s changed. So he said, “By August 28 you will have work,” and that’s exactly when I had work. Many, many people can do psychic things, it wasn’t that. That was wonderful to have that help when I was so desperate for money, to know that was coming. But it was more, because I felt happy for months. His energy was so pure and so clear, I just felt so much. I loved him almost immediately. Then I spoke to him a few more times and wrote to him, and then he wrote to me, and said, “I will come and drink Coca Cola in your home.” And I thought, “Oh really, this is some sweet gracious thing that Indian people say.” But he did come to my home, he came to America.

After that, I called him every day, wherever he was touring, wherever he was, I called him every morning. And then I spent a week with him in Austin, Texas, with a family he was staying with. About the third day I was there — I spent about five or six days there — I had an inspiration to write a book about him. I’d never written anything. And he said, “Well, write an article. There’s a magazine that wants an article about me.” And I said, “Well, how many pages?” He said, “One, two, three, four, five. Whatever you feel like.” And I started writing, I had, I think, 25 or 30 pages. And I kept on writing. I had 300 pages in a few months. I had such a rich, inner experience. He said, “Well, now we have a book.” He recently asked me to write his biography, which is a very great honor.” So I’ve been speaking in temples. He’s been asking me to speak about Eastern spirituality, which is very strange for me, as a Westerner, to speak to Easterners about their spirituality. I don’t understand it, but he asked me to do it.

After that dramatic beginning, I’ve not had a great many psychic experiences in the years that passed. I’ve had a few minor ones. It has been an important part of my past. In the states, when I spent a week with him, I got pretty much in a very blissed-out state. I had the experience of seeing everyone as Krishna one time when I was in Texas with him. I have a lot of dreams with him. I have dreams. One wonderful thing in America, when I was with him in Texas, I was at sathsang with 100 Easterners, and I was feeling shy to touch the feet [of the guru], so I didn’t get to do that. I went home and I went to sleep and I was dreaming that I was touching his feet. And I was in a real state of ananda, touching his feet. And he knocked on my door which he’d never done before, and he said, “Dipti, Dipti. Are you asleep?” And he let me touch his feet. I’ve had a few dreams about touching his feet in India. He teaches me a little bit in my dreams.

I think [my guru] is very capable of making human errors on the human plane. For example, he misplaces things. I don’t know whether he’s capable of making spiritual errors, but I know he’s much better at this path than I am. So, I would certainly give him 95 percent. I mean, I don’t really know. I only test [what he says]. I do what he says and then I see what happens. I don’t say no to him. I did at first about the marriage. As a matter of fact I pleaded with him for a long period of time, both in person and in writing. That’s the only thing for which I have pleaded with him. But everything he says, I do, although when I have feelings about things, I express them; even my irritations, even if it has to do with him. Sometimes he’ll tell me to do three things at once, and one contradicts the other. I think, “You tell me to do this, you tell me to do that. What do you want?”

What’s wonderful for me is that he’s not a spiritual figure so far above. I can talk to him about feelings that I’d be ashamed to talk to others about. Even if they involve him, even doubts about him. One time I saw him having a tremendous ego. And I was able to write to him about it, and work it out with him. And other things too. He knows what I’m feeling anyway. He’ll just tell me things every once in a while, I don’t know why. I don’t know where he was. I can’t remember if he was in India or in the States. But I went away from home for a few days to visit the school I went to, to visit some friends there. And I happened to meet an Indian man there, and we happened to sing bhajans. And he said, “oh, you were singing bhajans so beautifully yesterday.” [My guru] says, “I am with you always,” and at times I see him in my third eye.

He wants to have an ashram. I think he will have one within five years, maybe sooner. He lives with his family, he’s a householder. He has two sons. Which is typical of his area, Bihar. They feel kind of safer with gurus in that kind of situation. They feel that there’s less possibility for transgression, improper behavior and such. I was very surprised, because all the gurus and swamis that I know are Brahmacharis. So I had the opportunity to see him — he sees God, and he serves his children as God, so he cares for them and bathes them as gods — I can watch him in normal life. He doesn’t teach, per se. I’ve caught a lot of devotion from him. Hundreds of pages of devotion. I’ve written hundreds of pages, about 350 pages since December. A very rich experience.

I’ve had to learn discernment about my love for him; that’s evolving. It’s a love that transcends time. I feel that if he comes back in the next life that I will find him again. That I would do anything to find him. I realize that I would travel a year, not the three days that it took me, I would have traveled a year to get to him. There is nothing else in my life that has the importance that our relationship does. I’ve been in a relationship for ten years with my boyfriend in New York. We have our separate apartments. I’m an extremely independent person. We have a very good relationship. And I felt, “Well, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” It’s been very happy this way. So, when I developed all this love for my guru, he was uncomfortable with it. Even though he’s a very, very deeply spiritual person, he didn’t quite understand. So it was really crazy for a while. So he said he didn’t want to meet [my guru], even though he was coming to my home. And then as the time came closer, he began to say, “Wow, I always knew he was a master.” And then the time came closer and he said, “I would like to meet him.” So he met him. Guru Dev walked in the door, and my boyfriend took one look at him and that was it. And within 15 minutes he asked him to be his guru. And Guru Dev looked kind of confused and said, “But I already am.” He said, “Why do you ask this?”

In Texas, Guru Dev said to me, “I’m going to arrange a marriage for you.” And I said, “Oh, no. Please, no, no. I cannot do this, please.” He kept on insisting and insisting, and I was begging, “No, no, no, no. I can’t do this.” But then, I became surrendered to the point that I would marry if he felt that was best. I asked, “Why do you want me to marry? I’m happy the way it is. I don’t believe in marriage. I don’t make contracts with friends. This is how I feel.” But I became so surrendered to the point that I felt, if he felt that’s best for me, it was best for me. So I said, “I will marry if it’s a devotee of yours, only.” So then he made my boyfriend a devotee. And he’ll be marrying us next time he comes to America. He felt it was right for my spiritual development, for the way our planets merge. He said we are one soul.

Guru Dev said that he didn’t want to marry either, but his guru said he must marry, and after that his development took off like that. So he’s doing that for me for that purpose. And since he is my consummate guide for spirituality, I accepted it, and there’s some joy inside of me about this marriage. I don’t know why. He will perform a Hindu marriage in a Hindu temple in New Jersey. My boyfriend is highly intuitive and he looked at Guru Dev and said, “This is the first person I’ve met who does not steal energy from others.” My boyfriend works with energy. He’s a spiritual healer and a musician. He’s very psychic. Well, he saw me and he knew I was the one for him. He just knows things, important things — the little things too. So now he’s very happy to be in a relationship. He’s never had a guru, so it’s really a major change for him. He’s never been to India. But Guru Dev says my boyfriend and I will come to India in the winter after our marriage.

I’m not any one faith. I just feel that all faiths are one to me. I’m learning to connect more consistently with God. I’m learning to love better. I’m learning more joy, more bliss. I’m learning that life is more magical. I’m getting a lot of confidence. Not so much a learning, but an unfolding. It’s an unfolding. I’m just seeing everything more as a part of me.

I feel that my spiritual pilgrimage and progress is based on love. The more I am able to love everyone and everything, the more I feel that I’m moving forward. When there’s no love, there’s fear. Those are the only two things that exist — love and fear. God is love. God is energy, he is light. He’s the light in you and me, and this table and everything. Prayer isn’t about the words you say — It’s where your heart is. I think my guru is training me to become a guru in my own spiritual development. He has about eight disciples around the world. He calls me one of his disciples. He had a very special older guru who is dead now, and another guru who is alive, and he lives in the South. My guru is going to take me to meet him. He has me staying here by the Ganges to do sadhna. I’ve been bathing in the Ganges every morning. I chant mantras in my room and try to do good works. I go to temples with my guru to worship gods. I feel particularly drawn to Krishna and Ram. I like Jesus as well. I don’t interpret scriptures literally [including the Bible].